"WARNING BAD LANGUAGE"
The Ken Livingstone Interview you have all been waiting for - by Alan Quillpole "fingers crossed and off the record"
I interview a foul-mouthed Ken Livingstone at a council flat in Bethnal Green, not at the original venue the London Headquarters of the Muslim Council of Great Britain, where Ken Livingstone and his new party MUSKIP, (Muslim Kingdom Independence Party), retained a suite of rooms, now hastily evacuated. The truculent mayor has upset one too many "moderate" members of the Muslim Council, by associating with Muslim extremists and supporting radical clerics, such as the anti-gay, wife-beating advocate Yusuf al-Qaradawi.
I am brusquely ushered into an incongruously plush, wood-panelled office (very at odds with the exterior of the dilapidated high-rise council block) by a surly MUSKIP flunky in a burka, and directed to a very low office chair. I try to alter the height but the adjuster is broken and I am forced to look up at a shadowy Ken Livingstone, seated behind a large oak, leather-topped desk. He is sporting a long grey beard, a smug demeanour and is dressed bewilderingly like the main character (The superbly foul mouthed Al Swearengen played by Ian McShane) out of Deadwood, the Sky TV western soap!
This is more than a little strange, and I feel very uncomfortable with this surreal set up. But I am a pro - so proceed with The Interview.
AQ: Good morning Mr. Livingstone.
Cut the Mr. Livingstone; Ken or Your Worship will suffice!
AQ: Okay Your Worship! (I am such an arse licker.)
Okay! You know the rules?
(He droned in his familiar Dalek voice)
AQ: Yes Mr... err! your worship! (I had carefully read and signed the 72 page interview terms and conditions)
AQ: Is it really true you don't like anyone?
That's a good start - you don't mess about, do you cocksucker?
AQ: Err, no!
It's not true! As you can see by my new party, I like Muslims, and I also like ethnic minorities in general, with the exception of the Jews. Of course you also know I don't like the press or the cocksucking English; I don't like the middle classes and I don't like them cocksucking que…oops, gays! I hate pigeons, car drivers and white people; I loathe people who live in Kensington and Chelsea, only 4 % of them fuckers voted for me, in fact only 4% of the cock sucking racist white trash that still hang on in London voted for me.
AQ: Do you support radical Muslim fundamentalists?
No! This is blatantly not true, I support Ken Livingstone. Getting Ken re-elected for Mayor of London, forever! Or until London is completely fucked and in flames- so I need to cultivate the dull, the ignorant, the bigoted, and of course the ill-educated, basically a large section of London's poor or "London's poorer"; coincidentally they are in the main the ethnic community of London and also coincidentally most of them are Muslims...
AQ: Surely you don't mean that all people who are poor are from Muslim ethnic communities?
Of course I do, or the majority of them. Just look at the cocksucking UK government figures - it's a fact, fucking cocksucking Muslims are London's poorest, they are my non car-owning, bus-using ethnic immigrants, and by immigrant, I mean anyone who isn't white or black.
AQ: You are confusing me!
Sorry! It's also confusing me. You know what I mean, those cocksucking nearly-do well Black English and the cocksucking do-well Hindu car-owning fucking traitors! I don't want their vote, anyway the cocksuckers vote Tory, Liberal or for them cunting UKIP nonces, or worse Veritas or worse still the cocksucking BNP. What's important to me, and my co-party founder George Galloway, are the 700,000 Muslims who live in London. They are the true Londoners; they stick together, like true Londoners used to do. You know what I mean; living in squalor; eating the same food every day; going to the mosque all the time; sucking up to the local priest and giving him money. Historically that is what white Londoners used to be like before they went soft, left or became yuppies - in the 50's they all voted labour, went to church and fitted the above profile nicely.
AQ: I will take your word for it.
So you should, you little cocksucker -you can't blame me for converting to Islam! I mean, that is nearly all my votes, I would be fucked without them! So what if I have to cultivate the odd bearded fanatic, Muslim fundamentalist or cocksucking rabid homophobe - call them what you like, they are cocksucking vote winners! It's a fact most Muslims don't like gays, and they don't like the cocksucking cunting English, and they either don't like or don't understand western values. For fuck's sake, most of the older generation don't even speak English, and they have been here for 40 fucking years.
AQ. You realy don't like the English, do you?
No! No! You have got me wrong. With the English it's nothing personal, some of my best friends are English - they just don't vote for me, so fuck 'em! - so now do you understand where I am coming from.
AQ. Well sort of - don't you think your attitude will cause more divisions in London?
No, it's too fucking late. London is a city of cocksucking divisions; it's like the fucking football league -nicely divided, I mean a good example - look at all those poor bastards living in Bangla town (Tower Hamlets) , 40% unemployment, 70% living below the poverty line, a TB epidemic and a birth rate that puts most third world countries to shame. I estimate I will have over 100,000 votes just in Bangla town and Tower Hamlets by 2010 - I mean, who else are the dumb fucks going to vote for?
AQ: I am not sure - maybe a new Muslim party?
Exactly - now do you begin to understand?
AQ: Err! It does make sense.
That's the way I see things, hence MUSKIP is born. London is split into maybe 10 communities; there is virtually no communications between the different cultures, and that is now! Can you imagine what it will be like in 10 years, thats when the shit really hits the fan?
AQ: What do you mean?
Well, think about it, in some areas of London over 60% of the workforce are employed by the state (Lewisham), and 90% of that workforce is what you would describe as ethnic - half of them will lose their jobs when Michael Howard or some other Tory cocksucker gets elected and the economy goes belly up, as the conservatives desperately try to claw back all the money Gordon and co. have blown over the past few years - they (ethnics) ain't like the resigned and apathetic cocksucking English; the ethnics will be out on the street screaming bloody blue murder!
AQ: Do you think then we will see riots in London soon?
RIOTS! Are you fucking joking, there are fucking riots every day! Have you seen what happens when there are ticket collectors at New Cross Gate station? Fucking hell, it's like err, a riot you know: dogs, black youths screaming at the police, a lot of squaring up and aggression; of course no one gets hurts because the good old bobby is always mob-handed: dogs, CS gas, meat wagons - and that's just to check tickets. Then round the back of King's Cross: fucking Somalis, Bangladeshis and Sudanese, Tamils and Hindus, and Turks and Kurds. Let's not forget the fucking Eastern Europeans, who hate anyone who ain't white...gangs of 100 or more fighting in the streets. In fact they all fucking hate each other, I would call that a riot! And what about the Turks, regular shootings and knifings with the Romanians & Albanians, fighting over who supplies the heroin and whores. It's like the fucking wild west in parts of North London. There are no-go areas all over London and our cocksucking, BMW driving, mountain bike riding police force sit back and do nowt - well they can't do much as they are so tied up with politically correct rules - as for that great big time serving poof Ian Blair he is a fucking cocksucking ultra PC cunt!
(I am a bit taken back by this tirade)
AQ: err! Do you think its a good thing, large numbers of eastern Europeans living and working in London.
I don't like 'em! Fucking racist the lot of em! They will never vote for me, they think I am a commy, a fucking n***er loving bastard and they love cars as well, fuck 'em!
AQ: I can see you are getting a bit over-excited, do you mind if I change the subject?
Will you ever learn to drive?
Are you joking - switch that tape recorder off! Ok, I will let you in on a little secret. I can drive, I passed my test in the early seventies, though I lost the licence years ago.
AQ: What do you mean, "lost"?
Err! Your tape recorder is OFF?
AQ: Yes it's off! (I lied). It's digital by the way, it has no tape..
OK - well you fucking watch it!
It was a bit of high jinks, when I worked for the Beatty Cancer Clinic as a vivisectionist. I took a monkey home with me for a bit of company, you know. I had trouble pulling girls then on account of me being a bit creapy, and I had this really annoying grating voice.
AQ: Nothing's changed then?
Ha! Very funny but don't push your luck, you little cocksucker - this interview is your lucky break. Anyway, I was a bit weird. On the drive home from work one cold winter's night, I was playing with the chimp's privies, when the stupid cow got a little over-excited and she jumped on my lap. She grabbed the steering wheel and rolled her lips back the way chimps do, and then made a rude gesture at the car in front. Unfortunately it was the old bill, a panda car, remember them?
AQ: No, what are they?
Never mind, the police had Mini Metros then, they didn't always drive BMW's and they had even less sense of humour then than they do now. The blue light goes on and I am directed to pull over. This would have been fine under normal circumstances; my car, insurance, and license were all in order. But on this occasion I had a 90lb chimp on my lap, and Bobo had the strength of 3 men, so Bobo (that's her name) tugs at the wheel and I (we) run the hysterical copper down, bump! bump! as the front and rear wheels go over him. Don't worry, he wasn't dead, just a bit shook up and bruised; the plods were tough then, not like the poofs on mountain bikes we have now. Anyway, off we go down the embankment with the police in hot pursuit, me desperately trying to stop, but Bobo kept jamming my foot on the accelerator. To cut a long story short we crashed into a lamppost on Westminster Bridge, the doors flew open and Bobo disappeared into the night. I tried to explain, but the old bill were having none of it:
"Right sir, were you driving this vehicle?"
"No! Bobo was."
"Bobo. Well sir, where is this Mr. Bobo?"
"It's not Mr. Bobo, it's Miss, anyway chimps aren't called Mr. or Miss, they are just first names..."
"Excuse me sir, are you saying Bobo is a chimp and this chimp was driving?"
"Yes I am, but the little bastard did a runner..."
"Ok sonny, you are fucking nicked!"
So there you have it, I was banned for 10 years for hit and run, failing to stop, resisting arrest, wasting police time attempting to pervert the course of justice etc. etc. This wasn't helped by my roadside statement, and the ongoing vindictiveness of the injured officer plod. If I asked for my license back, the shit would realy hit the fan; the good old press would have a field day. Can you see the headlines?
"Stop monkeying about Ken"
"Ken blames bad driving on Chimp."
"Where is Mrs Bobo?"
"The Mayor's Monkey business."
AQ: So did Bobo ever turn up?
No, I never saw her again!
I was sacked from the Beatty clinic, I moved on - that's why I went into politics. I wasn't qualified for anything else on account of how thick I am. I did an IQ test once, and it turned out that if I had been a chimp, I would have been the cleverest in the world, that is an IQ of 72.
Talking of test, I used to carry out IQ tests on the chimps; funny, but they get cleverer the more electric shocks you give them. I think that's why Bobo fucked me over - one test went like this: a display of fast changing patterns on a VDU screen with one pattern missing, choose the missing pattern from the three displayed on an adjacent screen. Bobo picked the right one every time, I got bored with dishing out bananas to her, so Bobo got an electric shock nearly every time, Bobo soon got wise to this and refused to choose, so I gave her more electric shocks, but she still refused. She just sat there playing with her sagging tits and toying with her clit the way chimps do! No shame.
AQ: So you think Bobo hated you?
No! Hate is the wrong word - we developed a bond the way hijack victims do with their hijackers. Do you remember Patty Hearst?
AQ: err! was she a rock star?
No, No, she was this heiress who was kidnapped, and gang raped by some weird revolutionary army, a bit like my Socialist Workers party and Trotsky friends: very dull but full of hardcore political fervour. Anyway, she ended up robbing banks with them and became their buddy. That was the relationship me and Bobo had; she would do anything I asked: blow jobs, doggy style sex, hide the banana, anything to please me, so it was quite a shock when she betrayed me on Westminster Bridge. She feared me, and while I had power over her and controlled her life she pandered to me, and then when her moment came she shat on me - sigghh...
AQ: Do you think you have a similar relationship with all your ethnic voters?
Oh definitely! I have power over them, making their lives a little bit better: bus lanes, free buses like the "bendy" or so-called happy bus. But when they realize I have fucked up, and the whole city is going up in flames, just like the bendy bus, they will turn on me, just like Bobo. But don't worry, I have learned my lesson. At the first sign of trouble I will be out of here pronto! Capiche? (Ken goes into a really bad Italian accent.)
AQ: So you won't mind leaving London?
I can't wait - I never did like the place, or the cocksucking Londoners. When it goes tits up, I'll be off, just like the 200,000 Londoners who leave this city every year and the 50% that would leave tomorrow if they could (UK gov). I have more than enough cash stashed from all the bent property deals, so I can look forward to a cushy retirement in South America.
AQ: (I feel I am being wound up so change the subject yet again.) Do you think it is fair that car owners and drivers are fleeced by TfL at every opportunity?
Of course it's not fair! Most car owners are what I would describe as the better citizens; they are law abiding, educated to a reasonable standard, they pay more tax, and they work harder and longer hours than the average non-car owner (Londons poorer). Like I have already said, they don't vote for me, so the stupid apathetic cocksuckers can go and fuck them selves.
AQ: So back to my original question, do you like anyone?
Okay! You have me there - I do like someone - Ken Livingstone…
Contact Ken Livingstone: email@example.com